Wednesday, September 21, 2005 listening?

I wish I could believe. I want to believe, I am ready to believe, but...There is always a sad little "but" appended to the things we really want to do . I just want to be able to believe in God the way I see others around me do, with absolute assurance that God does exist. The way they go to a temple, bow their heads, and pray sincerely, sure in their belief that their prayers will be answered, I want to be able to do that and not look sneakily around making sure I bend my head when others do and raise it on cue. I am more worried about that really than praying. Sometimes I even forget I am supposed to pray too.
I lost my faith in God the day I got my second year results. I had gone to Kamakhya, right after the Xaat too i.e. when the temple opens after it closes for 12 days because the Goddess is ostensibly menstruating. So when it opens, the crowd triples, consisting mostly of widows. Don't know why. Anyway the point being that I went then, when it was THRICE (lest you missed the first reference) as crowded as usual, stood in line for FIVE hours to enter the temple and then after all that what did I get--a third division. I mean if God can't even ensure a simple thing like respectable second division, there is no point really in believing in God is there. If at the end of the day I can't get more than I deserve just by praying, why bother?
Might as well just work hard and take the credit for it instead of thanking God for it.
But just in case there is a God who reads hathirpithi, then God should know that these are just words and I mean no offence. That actually deep, deep down I have rock solid faith in the existence of God. And just in case the Gods are still tuned in--I could do with a job that pays me twice as much as I earn now.
Old habits die hard.